clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

54b’s 2008 Preseason Unspectacular – The Texas Football Anti-Preview Guide

“Knock Those Mother #@(&*^$ Out!” It’s clear, it’s concise, it really pops. Unfortunately, Coach Brown wasn’t quite sold on new defensive coordinator Will Mushchamp’s suggestion for this seasons team motto.

Instead, Mack revealed to the media last Monday that the motto for this season is going to be “Consistently Good To Be Great,” a phrase he apparently pilfered from the Stutterer’s Self-Help Guide To Picking Up S-S-S-Sluts...and though my inner miscreant yearns for it to be KTMFO, I guess my rational, civic minded self can identify with “Consistently Good To Be Great.” 

I mean how else would my blog “54b’s Longhorn Commentary” ever have surpassed “54B - Bras for Full Figured Women” on Google if I hadn’t been showing off the literary cleavage week after week with quixotic post-game recaps that always make you laugh, cry, and spit too, if your name is Buzz Bissinger? What the hell? You’re right, don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical question. Let’s move on, quickly....

Anyway, after masterful bon-mottos like “Do What You Can Do” (2006) and “Earn The Right” (2007) earned trips to the Alamo and Holiday Bowls, I can only hope this year's motto made a greater impact upon the...

2008 Texas Longhorns

If Longhorns fans have read the preview guides or gathered around a water cooler at any point in the last few months, they’re probably thinking a better motto for 2008 might be “Tak’em One Loss At A Time” or “2009 Is Looking Fine.” For the conventional idiocracy also known as the Big XII Beat Writers has been so bold as to all but write off the Longhorns this year, ostensibly squashing all hopes of a Big XII Title by predicting an incredulous 3rd place finish in the Big XII South, which, if you’re a member of the Burnt Orange Nation, is akin to canceling Christmas.

Sure, in 2008, the Horns will match an unproven secondary up against several prolific passing offenses and feature a receiving corps of their own led by a 25-year old journeyman and an albino squirrel that all king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put back together again. But hey, we’re Texas, right? We’ll figure it out by the 4th quarter and if we don’t, we got the most experienced hands team in the country.

Seriously, it’s way too premature to be crying over spilt milk of magnesia. True, the schedule is a bitch, but since when have we ever let the schedule or the Surgeon General determine our fate or BAC level?

For me, my biggest concern going into this year is on-field leadership. (And dehydration too, of course, pass me a beer.) I think most of you would agree that Texas hasn’t sported two legitimate field generals on the gridiron since VY and Michael Huff ruled the roost. No doubt the potential is there for guys like Colt McCoy and Roy Miller, but I think we’re still missing that X-factor, that guy between the stripes the other players immediately look to when all hell breaks loose. You might argue that Colt McCoy already demonstrated his poise under pressure in comeback wins against OSU and Nebraska, but I’m still not sold. And on the defensive side of the ball, we’ve got some senior leadership on the D-Line, but that’s not usually the position group you want your defensive leader to come from. Maybe one of the more talented linebackers will step to the forefront provided he’s not applying for tenure or changing his last name to Akina, Jr. But now we’re getting into X’s and O’s and that ain’t my bag, baby.

As always, this anti-preview guide assumes that you already know the names, playing weights, wind-aided 40 times and favorite Jonas Brother for all 22 starters, the specialists and the water boy. So if you're looking for in-depth depth chart analyses, returning starter ratio theorems, position-by-position breakdowns, or hair highlighting tips, go pick up a copy of Athlon’s, Phil Seele’s, or Tiger Beat. Because if you're reading this commentary in search of answers, I'm afraid all I have to offer you is more questions with the always unpopular...

Un-Scheduled Pop Quiz

1) Did the $900,000 contract Deloss drew up to lure Florida Atlantic to Austin for the opening game include a special bulletin board material clause that required a camera crew to follow a miked-up Howard Schnellenberger around with a bottle of schnapps and a Bevo sock puppet until the plaid-clad Owls’ head coach started talking sh*t? (Please cite Texas Defense vs. Rudy Carpenter in your answer.)

2) If a round of drunken golf in Pensacola, Florida costs $150...lap dances afterward at the Whiskey Tango Lounge cost you $20 a piece...and spending the night with an exotic dancer who has a gold tooth for room service costs you your dream coaching job at Alabama...would being exiled to UTEP, college football’s outhouse, be considered: Mike Priceless? 

3) Technically Arkansas is located right next to Texas, but how well do you really know your swine (Fill In The Blank)?

    This little Razorback went to market (Darren McFadden),
    This little Razorback can’t pass (Casey Dick),
    This little Razorback went West Coast (Mitch Mustain),
    This little Razorback got put out on his ass (Houston Nutt);
    And this little Razorback bailed on the Atlanta Falcons and went wee, wee, wee, all the way to Fayetteville (?).

4) How many licks does Mr. Owl think it’ll take to kick Rice’s ass?

5) The last time Texas played Colorado the Longhorns were up 70-3 at the end of the 3rd Quarter. (That’s not really a question, I just felt like writing it.)

6) Come the second weekend in October, will OU suck or will the ‘Horns blow?

7) Texas offensive coordinator Greg Davis waited until it was too late to recruit current Mizzou QB Chase Daniel because he didn’t think the State Champion Southlake signal caller was:

    A) Tall enough to see over the O-Line
    B) Fast enough to run the Zone Read
    C) Accurate enough to throw the Bubble Screen
    D) Going to be quite the team player and role model Ryan Perrilloux turned out to be

8) Billionaire T. Boone Pickens has been widely publicized for throwing millions of dollars behind Wind Power, Oklahoma State Athletics, and 40-Year Old, Man-Coach Mike Gundy’s Virility Vitamins. Which inadvisable investment will most likely pay the biggest dividends, which one will cause him to lose the rest of his hair before November, and which one will give him an erection that lasts longer than four hours?

9) How many uprights must lose their battle with verticality before Texas Tech fans realize that tearing down goalposts causes global warming?

10) Better pick-up line at the Baylor Vacation Bible School lock-in: “Hi, my name’s Matthew, but my friends call me Conan the Seminarian” or “hey, Chastity, can I put a dollar in your collection pants?” 

11) Will plus-size wind breaker model and Kansas Head Coach Mark Mangino be patrolling the sidelines this fall in an unmarked Rascal scooter recently reported stolen and doing 7 mph out of a Lawrence-area Kroger parking lot?
12) Pretend you’re the Texas A&M athletic director and write a letter explaining why the Aggies deserve the same shoe contract Nike awarded Texas. Example:

Dear Swoosh,

I know our last coach went 19-21 against the Big XII, but we fired Captain Frantastic just as soon as we figured out his email password. Still, he did lead us to two victories over the same T-Sips you seem to love so much. T-Sips is what we call the Longhorns because we suffer from low-self esteem and have a severe case of penis envy for them. I think that’s why we’re always trying to saw their horns off. It’s kind of sick, but can’t you see that’s why you just gottta give us the same contract as Texas. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to throw away my Nike gameday overalls on which I painted a sheep and underneath it wrote your tagline, “Just Do It.”

That’s not a threat, it’s a cry for help.

Tear drop,

Extra Credit: Will Mack Brown lead the Longhorns to their eighth 10-win season in a row or should Texas fans locate a circa 1980’s Delorean, some weapon-grade plutonium, and a flux capacitor so they can get to 2009 before our health insurance premiums go up? 

Well, for that capricious prognostication, we're going to have to turn it over to the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, and always uncensored...

Unpredictable Prediction

Reprised from early commentaries...

Was it over when the Confederacy bombed South Ossetia? (Forget it, he's rolling.) Was it over when Mr. T beat up Rocky and made him do uncomfortable man-love scenes on the beach with Action Jackson? Was it over when my Atari 2600 was declared Y2K incompatible? Was it over when the cable company decided not to offer the FAU game on Pay Per View? Was it over when Charlie gave the Everlasting Gobstopper back to Mr. Wonka? And speaking of golden tickets, was it over when the French 4x100 froggy team said they were going to “smash ze Americans” and Monsier Phelps hopes at an unprecedented eight gold medals? Hell no it wasn't over.

(Begin slow clap sequence.) It's not over until we say it's over or Major Applewhite forgives Mack Brown for loving Simms more than him.

Tell the fat lady to quit singing to Mangino. I know Chip Brown quit the Morning News and you feel alone, perhaps abandoned or unloved like UT’s Safeties when Muschamp goes blitz package. But you got to hold on for one more day, things will go your way, and if they don't, there's always the YMCA (or transferring to OSU if you've got some priors). Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough go out and find Howard Schnellenberger and whip his ass just because he said we weren’t tough enough.

Because "We're Texas" damn it, and everything's bigger and more impressive here unless your name is Darrel Scott. So you just wave those Horns in the air and wave them like you just don't care because all we have to fear is reruns of Fear Factor and Colt’s chronic neck pain. But even he will not go gently into that good night because he doesn’t take sh*t from nobody, or wooden nickels either and I don't care if Stoops comes back from outer space with that look upon his face, I will survive. I will survive and so will you damn it. I don't care if it takes all season, I want to see John Chiles make four passes before somebody shoots the albino squirrel and puts him out of his misery. And for the love of good Scotch, don't let me catch you not drinking enough Scotch or watchin' the paint dry. Just win baby. Just win.

Winning isn't every thing, it's the only thing that helps the medicine go down and turn that frown upside down. So swallow your wounded pride and your gum if your chewing some and go out there and give me 110%, at least half of the time. It's go time. It's show time. It's magazines for shin guards, 3/4 inch Spot-built cleats, eye black all over your face, big disgrace, kickin' ass all over the place time.

Play like a pirate every day and show me how to paint the fence, sand the floor, and knock those mother f*ckers out Daniel-son...and when the breaks are hitting the boys, tell them to go out there and win one for the stripper. Mike Price would. Holy shit, pass me the Pepto.

The season starts in 48 hours...go ahead, I dare ya, jump on the Longhorns Fanwagon cuz we're going streaking. 12-0, who's with me?

“What does it mean to be a Texas Longhorn?”
“It means I’ll be up at 6AM this Saturday?”
“Why, what time does the (FAU) game start?”
“You’re getting ready 12 hours early...why?”
“Because I’m a Texas Longhorn.”

Stay frosty and of course, Hook’em,