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54b's Commentary - Rice Recap/Arkansas Preview

Since 1994, I’ve missed a total of four Texas football home games: Stanford ‘99 and Houston ‘00 due to family wedding obligations, Baylor ‘04 for the birth of my son, and the Rice game last Saturday. (Technically, I was not present for the Sam Houston State game in 2006, but since we all know that game never happened, I don’t count it.) Anyway, I share my 95.2% attendance rate with you not because I desire nor deserve your adulation (Lord knows the number of Longhorns fans who haven’t missed even one home game in that same time probably number in the thousands), but because I want to drive home the point that it takes something rather significant for me to voluntarily miss one of the things I love most in this world, attending games at DKR.

So what Earth shattering event kept me away from Austin last weekend and found me smack dab in the middle of Tulsa, OK of all, not the bail out, it was International Recording Artists, Hanson, of course. Yes, that Hanson of MmmBop fame!!!

Actually, the real VH1 Behind the Music story is some very good people I know, respect, and work with closely were celebrating their 50th Anniversary in business by hosting a free concert with several bands with Tulsa ties (Hanson headlined) to thank Tulsans for 50 great years. And though I dearly missed seeing the Horns thump the 31-point under-Owls, 52-10, don’t think for a second that I wasn’t completely aware of everything going on back in Austin through the miracle of the instant text messenger. And to prove my privy-ness, I’ve included some excerpts from my text exchange with many user friendly friends who were at the game in a little segment I like to call...

TEXting On Tulsa Time

Texas vs. Rice, Saturday Night, September 20, 2008

First Quarter

Dude, score?
Hasn't started yet, but Rice won the pre-game spelling bee  
What was the winning word?
Country of origin?
I think it’s Nerdwegian
Use it in a sentence
The Rice Owl's pervous behavior made it difficult for him to talk to women.

3-0 Rice, thanks bend but don’t break defense
Is Muschamp pissed?
Oh yeah, he grabbed a player by the face mask
So what, lots of coaches do that
Yeah, but he grabbed it via his butthole  

7-3 TX, Colt keeper, ran over like 3 Owls
Pride of Tuscola Jim Ned HS
Who was Jim Ned again
Inventor of the DQ Peanut Buster Parfait

End of the first quarter, Hanson on yet?
Nope, still combing their hair
Who’s playing
No one, but I’ve got funnel cake
MmmBop, funnel cake

Second Quarter

14-3 TX, 30 yard TD pass to Shipley
The Albino Squirrel lives
He just flying chest bumped Ulatoksi
Did he break his sternum?
No, but he looked like a Cesna kissing a 777

21-3 TX, 60 yard flee flicker to Shipley, wide open
Good thing we didn’t save that for OU
We’re taking Rice seriously

Owls had 10 plays inside the 5, still couldn’t score
Is Muschamp going nuts
Like an ADHD kid after a Red Bull whippit  

24-3 TX Halftime, how’s Hanson
MmmBopping good
How’s the talent?
I feel like Wooderson in Dazed     
All right, all right, all right  

Third Quarter

Oh dear God...Irby’s’s real bad
Torn ACL?
If he’s lucky, it got bent the “other” way
Yirp...the funnel cake came back

31-3 TX, Colt’s all-time TD pass leader now
Is Major eyeing Mack
No, but I bet he’s thinking, “Really? Simms. Really?”
Maybe Simms and VY can be co-starters at Tenn
Now that would be suicidal  

Chiles in at QB
Hopefully Mack let’s him throw it
One completion, but then he fumbled, Rice ball
Get me Sherrod Harris
He's now our 3rd string tight-end 

TD Rice, 31-10 now
Damn it, there went my Pi prediction
Secondary was MIA
Is Muschamp’s collar popped
Don’t know but I think the cleaners shrunk his black polo
Anger has to come from somewhere

TD pass, Ogby wheel route, 38-10
I love that play
I liked it with J-Charles better
What is Fozzy doing
Making Shipley look indestructible

Fourth Quarter

45-10, Chiles rushing TD from 25 out
His nickname should be “Cover”
As in duck and cover?
No, as in cover the spread

52-10, it’s the Cody Johnson show
It that our new fullback?
Ahmard Hall starter kit
Better than Henry Melton starter kit

Game over, time for the Eyes
Should I sing it here in OU country
Do it, do it
Girl standing next to me is mad
Is she a Sooner?
Don’t know, but she loves her some Hanson
Tell her the drummer is a girl
I think she’s going to MmmSlap me

Arkansas score?
49-14 Bama
Is Petrino doing ads yet?
Might as well
Call in the Hogs
See ya at the...

Next Game

With Arkansas breaking in a new offensive scheme that relies heavily on the pass and featuring a QB who was such an offensive threat last year that the Hogs opted to directly snap it to their running back most of the time, I think we can safely refer to the the game this weekend as the “calm” between the storms.

Hurricane Ike came before and what looks to be the October from hell, in regards to UT’s next five games against teams who may all be ranked in the Top 25, will follow. Yes, this is a rivalry game and I’ve no doubt Petrino will channel the deep-seeded hatred Razorback fans have for all things Tejas into getting his players pumped up to play our beloved Longhorns...but will it be enough? Is it ever enough? (Don't answer that USC.) When will you people understand that it's out of my control and put your faith, trust, and negotiable bearer bonds in the... 

Unpredictable Prediction

What’s the difference between a Razorback and a Hockey Mom?

The Hockey Mom’s team actually has a chance of winning this weekend.

Texas 38
When pigs fly 17

Tailgate Update

Texas vs. Arkansas (SouthWorst Conf. Rematch) kicks off at 2:30pm (You picked a swine time to leave me Lucile) this Saturday. ABC will inexplicably be televising the match-up (Ain't no shame in Musburger's game), but that's a poor excuse to stay home (I have to fix the economy). So get your butts down to the tailgate early (U-Haul Ass down there) and crack one open for America (Freedom's just another word for nothing left but to booze).


"Dear Lord, please redeem Ricky and vindicate Vince...oh, and if you've got some spare time, free Cedric."


PS. As I was putting the finishing touches on this week's commentary, Oregon State was putting the final nail in USC's coffin. And just like it always seems to take some random act of kindness or demonstration of selflessness to truly get me in the Christmas spirit, this upset served as my catalyst for feeling good again about college football.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock and the prison-orange masses of Beaver fans stormed the field to celebrate the upset, I smiled and thought to myself, thank God, it finally feels like college football season.

I don’t know if it was the lack of intriguing non-con match-ups, dearth of close games, or just the general malaise surrounding many of the perennial college football powers, but the season thus far just seemed to be going according to plan, or according to “the narrative” as our resident BON conspiracy theorists are so fond of exposing. It seemed like a forgone conclusion that the winner of the SEC would face either OU, Mizzou, or USC for the title and the regular season had been reduced to a mere formality and every other team, a supporting role. But not anymore, I’m happy to report that crappy antiseptic feel has passed and the future looks wide open again.

Thank you, Beavers, for reminding me once again why I love the game and why this truly is...the most...wonderful time...of the year.