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Sunday Supper - Week 6

"When Chekhov saw the long fall, he saw a football season bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winning ugly is just another step towards winning a National Championship. But being here among the over reactionary members of Burnt Orange Nation and basking in the warmth of their hearths, hearts, and collective anxiety, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and insane football season."

My heartfelt condolences to all Longhorns fans for our loss. Dropping a whole spot in the latest poll, from #2 to #3, has cast a pall over my fragile psyche and made me feel not good...I'm so cold. Please, hold me, but don't judge me.

Come on, you know you want it. You know you need it. How 'bout a big BON family group hug before we sit down to break bread and each other's balls at the never stable Sunday Supper table...

Usually I spend most of this weekly post  touching upon the national scene, but it was actually a pretty pedestrian weekend in the world of college football, and since we're having a crisis here in Longhorn land, we'll hang here for a while...

"Game over, man. GAME OVER. The #$*& are we gonna do now?" - Last week I wrote that Texas' toughest regular season opponent may very well be apathy. And I don't think anyone would disagree - including the players - that UT came out flat Saturday night. You can blame them all you want, but it's understandable considering the entire week leading up to the game all everyone was talking about was how bad the Buffaloes stunk and how coach Dan Hawkins should tell his QB son to go play intramurals because this is DIVISION I FOOTBALL!!! Hell, the main article on the front page of the Statesman's sports page Saturday was, "What's Wrong With Colorado?" (I know because I was using it to pick up my dog's morning steamer.)

Now the only thing anyone wants to talk about is, "What's Wrong with the Texas offense?" Well let me be the last one to say that there probably isn't anything wrong with "it." At this point, I'm just not willing to claim that this is a personnel issue or that Texas is lacking in talent in any key area (though I don't think we've come close to replacing Quan Cosby yet). In my hubristic opinion, it's simply a lack of focus. Running the ball, finding the open receiver, not playing tip drills with Colt's passes, etc...that's all execution at this point for an experienced offense like the Longhorns role out. That was evident at the end of the 2nd quarter when Colt & Co. finally sniffed what Greg was shovelin', and marched down the field in 8 plays, scoring with ease.

My hunch is that when push comes to shove, UT will answer the bell. If the silver lining to Saturday's frustrating offensive output, it's probably that the Horns will be all the more focused going into the Red River Shootout where you know apathy is never an issue and claiming ignorance (about what to expect from the other team) is never an excuse. I think the bigger concern isn't the Sooners, how the Horns maintain their focus over the following weeks in Columbia and Stillwater.

"He's on a boat (he's on a boat). He's on a boat (he's on a boat). Everybody look at Colt throw a ball to Shipley on a boat (Shipley on a boat)." - If you're still demanding an explanation for the Longhorns lethargic offense in the first halves of games and inconvenient truths like influenza, the news that Pedialyte quit making Colt's favorite flavor - Diarrhea Grape, and unnamed sources confirming the crusts weren't cut off McCoy's pre-game PB&J, won't appease you, then I offer this explanation up instead: "they're BORED."

Seriously, I think if we put the entire UT receiving corps on roller skates and Colt on a Vespa, his completion percentage would be like 80% again. The Texas offense is like the smart kid in elementary school that all the teachers wrongly diagnosed with A.D.D. The Texas O is not fidgety or unable to do their work without being sent to the isolated desk facing the wall, they're bored. If you want to get their attention, scare them.

"You lollygag the ball down the field. You lollygag your way around the Red Zone. You lollygag on and off the field. You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers!"

As for the rest of college football, which we have no time to give two sh*ts about so screw them...

"You know - TCB - Taking Care Of Business." - The main storyline of week 6 was there was no storyline. For the first time all season, we didn't witness any major upset. Only four teams in the Top 25 lost and three of them were losses to higher ranked opponents.

Unranked Arkansas did spank #17 Auburn and I'm sure a few people were surprised that Tiger OC (and former Razorback OC) Gus Malzahn didn't have a few more tricks up his sleeve for his return to the house that Nutt cut, but I don't think it can be construed as a big upset considering Petrino's had the Hog offense rolling and Auburn's undefeated start had a lot a do with playing weaker competition.

No doubt some national pundits are starting to circulate similar sentiments about the Longhorns and will undoubtedly predict that Texas will be the next Top 10 team to get exposed as overrated once they play some decent competition. Well the only response to say to that is, "opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one." Including me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to track down some black market Diarrhea Grape Pedialyte.

By the way, this just in, OU Sucks. No really, they do.