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54b's Jackass Mailbag

Picture me standing outside the gate at DKR sweating like Bevo on meth and mouth-breathing the words, "O-PEN, O-PEN, O-PEN, O-PEN..." What can I say, I’m desperate for college football to start up again. Seriously, WTF are we supposed to do for the next two months?

I know...let’s answer PB’s email for him while he’s away on vacation. Serves him right for leaving us in our time of need.

Okay, here’s a good one...

Dear Mr. Bean,

I'm doing some research on sports taunting and the kind of things that would make a specific team's fan base tick. As the Big 12 bloggers of SB Nation, I would greatly appreciate if you could answer the following questions about the program you cover and its fan base.

Thanks so much,

How sweet, a legitimate request from a sincere solicitor posing thought provoking questions and showing a real interest in Burnt Orange Nation. PB would be honored to respond to such an inquiry on behalf of the proud and respectful BON community. Unfortunately for Tyler, I am not quite as reverent...

(My, I mean PB's, response to Tyler after the jump...)





Hey T-Baby,

First off, never call me Mr. Bean again. I’ll ban you faster than you can type, "blogger brutality." In the future you will address me as one of my approved avatars: Stone Colt Sexy, Ron Mexico, NSFW, Taint It Great, or Liz Becton.

Secondly, I’ll cut to the chase and write your thesis for you: Yes, the time it takes you to get your ass handed to you after taunting a group of fans can be directly correlated to their team’s winning percentage on ESPN Classic, their mean BAC level divided by their cumulative GPA (don't forget to carry the one), and the proximity of their campus to a Cracker Barrel. 

Despite your previous affront and uncouth salutation etiquette, I will humor your silly query and drop some knowledge on you...
What Big 12 team do you cover for SB Nation? 

God’s chosen university of course.  

Who do you consider to be your team's biggest rivals?

Well the list is long, but distinguished...much like my johnson. We’ve got the land thieves from Norman, the sheep wranglers of College Station (aka, "The Ewe"), and the rivalry refugees from way out west in Lubbock.

Honestly though, at this point, what team doesn’t treat us like their rival? I don’t know what’s more pathetic, the fact that every school on our schedule is spending the summer practicing the upside-down Longhorn hand gesture or the fact that they have to actually practice it.    

What teams and specific players do the casual or die-hard fans of your team hate the most?

"Hate" is such a strong word...we prefer mixing cliches to throw the PC police off and instead like to say, "revile with the passion of a thousand suns." Regardless, kids can be cruel and so can we. The hit list hierarchy changes all the time but surely you’ll find any person, animal or mineral wearing crimson and cream near the top, especially Sam Bradford, Bob Stoops, JaMarcus McFarland, his mother, and OU’s sissy punter. 

Previous famous s-listers include but are not limited to: Stephen "Taunto" McGee, the pirate extortionist Mike Leach, the hungry-hungry-hypocrite Mark Mangino, the inseparable insufferable Harrell & Crabtree, Ryan "the tease" Perriloux, and Chris Simms (sadly, sometimes we eat our own).

If you wanted to taunt players from the conference, who would be the biggest targets? The rest of college football?

I stand corrected, it is possible to ask the same question 3 different ways. In no particular order, I’d say Sam Bradford’s peach fuzz, who ever Mike Leach’s new bubble screen tosser turns out to be, OSU’s Zac Robinson (provided his mom is a mother of children and doesn’t try to feed him outside the team bus), and the ordained King of the rest of college football, Tim Tebow - because according to ESPN, he can walk on water, eat fire, and shit ice cream all while discovering a cure for Swine Flu by looking at one of his pubes metastasize under a microscope.  

What kind of taunts would sting the casual fan of your team the most—going after the make-up of the fan base, individual players, coach, school, or the state?

I wouldn't know, there aren't any casual Texas fans...we have diehards, drunks, or a combination of the two. Take your pick but implying that any one of the three is "casual" is usually enough to make it burn when we pee.  

In 100 words or less, best describe your team's fan base.

We’re Texas and you’re not.

What are the common stereotypes associated with your team's fan base and the school in general? In what ways are they true/false?

  • Longhorns fans believe we’re entitled because after all, We’re Texas. We make no apologies for unrealistic expectations, only idle threats if they’re unrealized.
  • Longhorns fans love our team intensely, loathe it just as intently, find solace only in victory, and contempt in defeat. 
  • Longhorns fans cheer like there’s no tomorrow when things go right and bitch like there never was a yesterday when things go wrong.
  • Longhorns fans are drunk with power when we win, yet soberly impotent when we lose. We actually drink ourselves silly in order to take the games more seriously.
  • Longhorns fans prejudge without provocation, indict without justification, blame when we’re in doubt, and ridicule when we’re not. 
  • Longhorns fans plead for Texas football to love us as much as we claim to love it. But we’ll never be truly happy because truth be told, we’re not in love with a team, we’re in love with an ideal.
They're all false every day of the week except Saturday.

Best of luck T.


Mr. Bean


PS: BON Members, please feel free to make up for my lack of tact by giving a new friend Tyler some answers he can really use. Thanks.