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54b's Commentary - Warhawk Review/Cowpoke Preview

Firstly, I would like you all to know that even though my Atari 2600 never did become Y2K compatible, I have overcome my inherent fear of technology (and narcissism), and joined the fast-paced world of court reporting, I mean Twitter.

For masterful bon tweets that make you scratch your ass, click on and search me out at "Longhorn54b" know if you're into that sort of thing. 

I figure when Longhorn news breaks, I'll just add my spin to it and make sure it's really broken. 

And to mark my foray into the world of tweeting, I decided to shrink this week’s commentary down to Twitter's 140 character limit...

54b's Tweet (Week 1) - Win over ULM rewarding as popping Viagra in drunk tank...Wyoming up next unless you have Comcastrated DirecTV.

Slightly longer version of the commentary after the jump...




In the final weeks leading up to the Longhorns’ eagerly anticipated opener against the Sun Belt’s latest sacrificial lamb - the slightly more politically correct Warhawks of Louisiana-Monroe - my mood could best be described as "can’t hardly wait" for football. Like most Texas fans, I was intensely excited over the prospect of what could be UT’s second title run in the last five years. At the same time, my memory of getting screwed out of deserved title shot last season made me supremely tentative to embrace all the hype and extreme expectations being heaped upon a Texas team who still won't have complete control of their championship destiny even if they are to go undefeated.

Where as the 2008 season was magical due in large part to the relatively modest expectations Longhorns fans had to begin the year, we already had all or nothing expectations before the 2009 campaign even kicked off. And when you look at UT’s schedule, unlike the previous season where it seemed like every game was a stepping stone to the next, this season’s slate appears (on paper anyway) to come down to two big games - and maybe just one now thanks to OU’s stumble against BYU and Bradford’s uncertain future.

So while the old adage about "taking it one game at a time" and respecting each opponent equally week in and week out may be the company line for the players in regards to addressing the hype, as far as the fans are concerned, we’re ready to prove to the world that we’re championship certified right now. In other words, games against seemingly inferior competition don’t seem like steps on a journey as much as they feel like hanging out in a hospital room awaiting the birth of your child. When the little miracle finally does join the ranks of the breathing, it’s the best thing ever. But every hour, minute, and second leading up to that point can be an anxiety-ridden yet monotonous exercise in futility.

That’s a beer glass half-empty mentality to be sure, but spare me the fortune cookie pep talk - success is a journey, enjoy the ride, blah-blah-blah -  that doesn’t change the fact that Longhorns fans are still very, very pissed about 2008, out for retribution, and the lack of high profile competition to begin this season is doing little in the way of filling the void left at the end of the last one.

Anyway, that’s the best way I know to describe what Longhorns fans were thinking and feeling when Colt McCoy and 2009 Longhorns grounded the Warhawks 59-20 last Saturday night at the ever-augmenting 100,000+ seat Royal Memorial Stadium. But if you’re finding yourself lost in gestation and the neonatal simile mentioned above makes about as much sense to you as "fryin’ bacon naked," perhaps you’ll understand my sentiment better if I impart upon you the...

Top 10 Southern Colloquialisms For Texas’ Blowout Victory Over Louisiana-Monroe

10)  Like popping a Viagra in the drunk tank

9)  About as lucky as finding a penny in a wishing well

8)  Like eatin’ a cupcake after it hit the ground upside down

7)  Like taking down the 12th bottle of beer on the wall

6)  Like watching a one armed man in a clapping contest (whoops, that’s from colloquialisms for OU/BYU)

5)  About as much fun as rubbing your balls in salt and going to the petting zoo

4)  Like gettin’ all dressed up to go to Arby’s

3)  Like sunbathing in the eye of a tornado

2)  Just cuz a Warhawk has wings don’t mean it can fly

And the #1 Southern Colloquialism Describing Texas’ Win Over ULM...

1)  Well that was about as meaningful as wiping your butt sideways

Cuz it don’t mean nothin’ if the Horns don’t win the...

Next Game

Admittedly, I know about as much about the Wyoming Cowboys as I know about winning an Oscar for Best Short Subject on Brokeback Mountain. Neither one seems all that appealing, but then again, I guess anything is better than having to spend the weekend in Fayetteville facing the hated Hogs who requested a rain check on the business end of their home and home with the Horns to face Agro-lite at Jerryworld later this season.

So rather than sharpen a stick at both ends and put the Razorbacks on a spit, we'll just have to make the best out of our second helping from the non-con cupcake buffet and serve as the biggest thing to invade Laramie since the Oregon Trail introduced cholera to this isolated outpost back in the 1800’s. Good times to be sure, but as for whether the Longhorns will survive the visit, we'll just have to leave it up to the fates and the always uncomfortable...

Unpredictable Prediction

But first, please put the earmuffs on the kids and turn grandma’s hearing aid to "Wheel of Fortune,"  because I need to rant...

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a recession. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar can't buy a Pound of cure; banks are banking on TARP; shopkeepers can't get health insurance; swine flu is rampant in the streets, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know why DirecTV no longer carries the channel Versus which is broadcasting the Texas vs. Wyoming game.

We know the air in China is unfit to breathe and high-fructose corn syrup is unfit to eat. And we sit watching Versus (Channel 603) and reading some message that tells us that Comcast is a big, fat bully and doesn’t play nice even though DirecTV has spent the better part of the past two years ripping Comcast a new one via advertisements, as if that's the way it's supposed to be!

We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy.

It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we’re fiscally afraid to travel to college football games anymore. We sit in the house and twitter about the fact that we're sitting in the house tweeting, and quickly the world we're living in is getting smaller yet more isolated, and all we say is, "Please, let us watch the Longhorns vs. Cowboys in the comfort of our own living rooms. Let me have my Jack Daniels and my satellite dish and my vanity, or I'll threaten to say bad things about you on the plethora of narcissistic social media platforms at my disposal. Here's a clue, just leave Burnt Orange Nation alone."

Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

I want you to get mad!

I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to cancel your subscription. I don't want you to hire an airplane to fly a sign over Comcast Headquarters, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write on the banner (
actaully I would). I don't know what to do about the recession and the Swine Flue and the terrorists and the BCS.

All I know is that first, you've got to get mad.

You've gotta say, "I'm a Texas Longhorn, dammit! My viewing privileges have value!"

So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up off of your butts. I want you to get up right now and go call DirecTV and Comcast, and tell them to pull their heads out and asses, because...

"We're as mad as hell, and we're not going to take this anymore!!"

Okay, I feel better, on to the...

Unpredicable Prediction - Part II

Nope, sorry, still pissed...

You want my prediction for Saturday, well here it is...thanks to DirecTV no longer airing Versus programming because they wouldn’t bend over and fluff Comcast’s cable, I predict I’ll be watching the Wyoming game at Best Buy. And after doing shots of mouth wash in the employee slacker lounge and threatening to kick in the 1080 DLP on sale Cedric Benson style, I predict Best Buy will scramble Larry Lester, a decorated Geek Squad Commander, to the showroom floor to restrain me until the authorities arrive.

But what that nerd don’t know is he just fell victim to one of the classic blunders...the most famous of which is never accept a blanket laced with Small Pox from a Sooner, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Texan when he's been drinking and an undefeated season is on the line!

And when hairy Larry comes steppin' to give me the Vulcan nerve pinch, I will drag his Nerd of the Month  ass over to the Shipping Department and tape his hairy buns together, but only after giving him an atomic wedgie, the likes of which will force him to give-a-give-a-give-a rebate on a Garmin in order to locate his Spiderman Underoos because they will have gone where no man or mutant has gone before.

Hallelujah!  Holy shit!  Where’s the bail money?

Texas - 62
Wyoming - 3
Comcast and DirecTV – Suck It!

Tailgate Update (Road Trip Edition)

Escaping the insufferable Texas heat (it burns when I flee) may be reason alone to make the trip to Southeast Wyoming ("if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne") this weekend where the high is predicted to be 61 ("it'd be a lot cooler if you did"). Though Cowboys fans (Pokey Joes) are known for getting more than a little riled up when conference rivals Utah and BYU come to town (no Big Love lost here), the locals will undoubtedly roll out the "welcome wagon" ("That thar is an RV, Clark") when the Longhorns arrive in Laramie (Brown Town).  

When asked where the best place to eat in town was (come and vet it), a local responded, "Applebees" (Eatin' Good in the Neighborwood). So while there may not be a whole lot to write home about (Hello Mother, Hello Father...) when it comes to dining out in Laramie (Greetings from Camp Cupcake...), but there are a variety of eclectic restaurants (Eatin's good here...) and bars (drinkin's better...) located near the intersection of E. Grand Avenue and S. 3rd Street (I'm so f*cked up I can barely write this letter), particularly at a bar called the Library Sports Grille & Brewery (Read the mead).

As for actual tailgating (fall off the wagon), again, Wyoming fans have a reputation for drinking with the best of them (better Cowboy up), so Longhorns fans shouldn’t have any trouble fitting in (Have Rum Will Travel). Tailgating is encouraged (Prohibition is prohibited) and parking lots open at 8 a.m. on game days (you can't drink all day unless you start in the morning), but only the lots located north of the stadium allow open containers (permission to drink freely) including the ironically named Lot AA (you can't make this sh*t up). Also of note, the Rocky Mountain Texas Exes (they operate on a higher plain) are hosting a tailgate and details can be found at: (Ex marks the spot).

Quote Of The Week

 Overheard in the stands last Saturday night...

"What the hell is a Warhawk?"
"It's a figment of my inebriation."