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Sunday Supper

Hope everyone enjoyed what turned out to be a very intoxicating college football weekend. Lot of bad juju going around last week on and off the field and I for one needed Saturday to arrive like I need another liver. In fact, I spent much of yesterday trying to stupor-size myself in an attempt to forget the hellacious work week that prevented me from posting a commentary.  

So please excuse my absense and accept in its place a collection of ramblings about Week 4 of the college football season, a week in which four teams (could have easily been five) in the Top 10 lost big games in rather extraordinary fashion.  

More after the jump...  

"Keep your daughter and your overrated team off the Poll" - #4 Ole Miss, #5 Penn State, #6 Cal, and #9 Miami all lost and #7 LSU would have joined them if not for a nail-biting goal line stand against Mississippi State, who, down by 6, had the ball first & goal at the 2-yard line with just over a minute remaining. I'd love to dub it "Upset Saturday," but I'm not sure you can really call them upsets. The four losing teams simply looked awful and lost very unceremoniously, giving proponents of doing away with preseason polls more than enough evidence to make a case for waiting until October to publish weekly polls.

"The Pac 10 WTF-Up Game Of The Week" - #6 Cal lost to an unranked Oregon team, 42-3. Autzen's a tough place to play, but that's ridiculous. One of you stats jockeys please tell us when the last time a Top 10 team lost by 39 points to an unranked opponent. I can just see Jeff Tedford asking the team doc for some flu shots that actually give you the full-blown flu. In the beauty contest that is the BCS, they'll need an excuse and some spin control. And judging by the way they played, the flu might actually improve their chances.  

"Unhappy Valley"
- I'm sure fans of Cal, Ole Miss, and Miami are really hurting right now, but nobody's picking up the pieces today quite like Nittany Lions fans. Don't believe me, then just imagine what we'd be feeling like if Tech had come into Austin a week ago and not only beaten Texas, but exposed us as a pretender to the crown. The lesson as always, you can't un-lose a game from last season. Forget about revenge and just play football. If you really want revenge, turn up the thermostat and leave an upper-decker in their commode while they're out of town.   
"College LameDay - We're Comin' To Your Shitty (Game)" - Seriously, where is GameDay headed this week? Miami vs. OU probably, but who's excited about that game after the Canes pissed themselves in Blacksberg. I want to hear Jacory Harris tell us that nobody in college football is going to work harder at sporting Michael Irvin's late 80's haircut than he is for the rest of this season. I'll be surprised if "the U Suck" is still in the Top 20 this week. As for USC at Cal, I'm not even sure Versus wants to air the "Oops, I Crapped My Season" Bowl.  

- You asked for style points, how about 64? I know UTEP's struggling this year, but they stunk more than my sweaty balls did after I had to peel them off the bleachers in order to get out of the heat at Saturday's game. Except for Colt's charity pick-six to help fund the "Chris Simms' Center For Kids Who Don't Read Defenses Good" and a few red zone offensive play calling head-scratchers, it just doesn't get any more dominant than that. The Longhorns had over 600 yards of offense to the Miners' 63. Yeah, sixty-three #*#&$ yards and the Miners even had the ball for 25 minutes. I don't think UT's defense let them get passed midfield all day.
Kirk Bohls was looking for a catchy name for UT's defense in his column on Friday...well how about the "Bovine Flu" cuz let me tell you something, you don't want any part of that nastiness, and if you do have them, you're in for a world of hurt.   

"Fast Times At Cougar High"
- Admittedly, I'm more into talkin' Ex's and Ho's than X's and O's, but I'm calling out Texas Monthly's "Best Coach in College Football,"  Mike Leach, for that debacle in Houston Saturday night...okay, let's just set scene: On the road up by five with just over five minutes to go; your defense is absolutely gassed because they've just spent four hours in a sauna playing against a pass happy offense modeled after your own; you've already blown one golden opportunity to put the game away after getting stuffed on the goal line despite the other team featuring D-Linemen that don't even weigh as much as the make-up Brandon Carter cakes on his face; and you just watched your exhausted defense force an improbable turnover at on first down you get six yards on a quick pass, but the receiver runs out of bounds and stops the clock. Now it's 2nd and 4 with right at five minutes to go and what does Leach opt to do? Run the ball against a Houston defense that's also cramping and hanging on for dear life like the belt around Ruffin McNeal's sweat-soaked pants? No, of course not. He's Mike Leach and he'll show everyone how cool he is by passing on an obvious running down. Even if the run hadn't netted a first down, it would have taken nearly a minute off the clock. Instead, Potts threw incomplete and it was now 3rd and 4 with five minutes left. Potts threw incomplete again on 3rd down and then punted giving Houston the ball back with nearly five minutes to play, plenty of time to mount a game winning drive. Far be it from me to tell Mike Leach how to call plays, but that was really dumb, even for a pirate.      

"Buster Heisman"
- First Bradford and his shoulder and now Tebow and his head. It's open season on Heisman winning quarterbacks. We don't know the severity of Tebow's concussion, but it's safe to say his aggressive "Bam-Bam" approach to running head first into the opposition on QB keepers may not be such a good idea for as long as he can't pass a microwave oven without forgetting his name and pissing his pants. Wow, that was vicious.  

"As I jump, do I give him the ass or the crotch?"
- Lastly, I love this whole "flying chest bump" thing to celebrate a big play. I also think the "flying back bump" where two players jump towards each other, both do a 180 in mid-air, and touch backs is pretty cool too. But what do you call it when both players jump up and one goes in for the chest bump while the other rotates Boitano-style to do the back bump? The Flying Spoon? If you have access to the Texas-UTEP replay, check out Shipley celebrating with Buckner after one of the TD's very Blades of Glory-esque.  

Enjoy the bye-week and feel free to add your own random ramblings from Week 4.