WARNING: The following is not for the humorously constipated. For optimal enjoyment, please print it out and head to your nearest crapper.
Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation raves, "Everything you didn't need to know but should about the 2009 Longhorns. This commentary's a real bowel mover. 54b beats the flush every time."
Also for those of you who bleed burnt orange – and can prove it because you recently sold a bucket of bodily fluids so you could afford to buy every "can’t miss" preseason college football prognostication guide you could get your hot little, callused hands on (including BON’s own Eyes of Texas Preview rag...full disclosure) – have I got just what you're NOT looking for.
That's right, if really insightful quips like "Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley are friends with fishing permits" and "it burns because Will Muschamp pisses excellence" are the kind of painfully perceptive observations you're hoping to pay top dollar for, well then you've come to the WRONG place.
But for all of you diehard fans looking for pure Longhorn-related conjecture that CAN'T be bought (only sponsored by Poker-In-The-Rear.com), I am happy to offer you, free of charge but rife with emotional baggage...
54b’s Preseason Unspectacular – The 2009 Texas Longhorns Anti-Preview Guide
Hi, I’m 54b...you may remember me from such educational films as Codependency Makes Football Taste Better and Texting And Driving Can Kill A Scholarship. But I’m not here today to talk about me. I’m here to talk about you, the Texas Longhorns, and your BCS Championship needs.
Sure the preseason #2-ranked Longhorns look so good on paper you could buy non-refundable airline tickets to the BCS title game in Pasadena right now. Do it! Do it! And don’t I know Colt’s training camp mustache has renewed your lust for football (and 70’s era porn) while simultaneously making you forget about last season’s ill-fated Big XII ménage-à-tie-breaker that left you impotent and incapable of reproducing your love for the game. After all you’ve been put through, how could the Longhorns not win it all this year, right?
Not so fast my Longhorny friends.
You might want to tap the brakes before you rush to stuff all your dancing dollars in one G-String and lay your heart on the come line again so quickly. Ask yourself, "self, how fiscally responsible is it (especially in this economy) to bet my still fragile emotional state on the unpredictable exploits of 85+ young men, an aging group of senile Harris Poll voters, and some computer geeks who can’t be bothered to remove the point differential corollary from their BCS formulas because they’re at a casting call for the remake of Tron?"
Yeah, I beg your pardon, Mack never promised you a Rose Bowl Garden.
Now what if I sold you, I mean told you that there’s a group out there that can guarantee that all of your wildest national champion dreams will come true? Would that be something you’d be interested in?
My friends I think it’s time you bought yourself some title insurance and and joined the...
Benevolent Order of Bevo
Just who exactly is B.O.B.? I’m glad you didn’t ask because the first rule of BOB is we don’t ask what about BOB. It’s a double-secret society of Longhorns fans not recognized by the University nor sanctioned by the Athletic Department or the The Beef Council. We are however loosely affiliated with a few fraternal organizations including the Royal Memorial Stonemasons, the Skull & Horns, and Guys In Striped Ties.
Just how many do we number? Just how powerful are we? Just how many furlongs does our influence extend within the 40 Acres? I could tell you, but then I’d have kill you with the secret handshake. Instead, maybe this song will shed some light on this motley crew of shadowy subversives...
The B.O.B. Chant (Sung before and after every meeting and sometimes in the shower if there's time.)
Who calls plays for Mack Brown?
Who keeps Muschamp from leaving town?
We do! We do!
Who makes the scoreboard super-sized?
Who keeps Bevo tranquilized?
We do! We do!
Who names the field after Joe Jamail?
Who keeps Augie out of jail?
We do! We do!
Who smokes the grass removed from DKR?
Who makes Mathew McConaughey a star?
We do! We do!
Who lights the tower up at night?
Who owns the voice of Walter Cronkite?
We do! We do!
Who puts the fluff in John Kelso’s beard?
Who keeps the city of Austin weird?
We do! We do!
Who comes early, wears orange, and stays late?
Who brings the title back to the Lone Star State?
We do! We do!
Because thanks to a guy who knows a guy who met a Nigerian Prince online, our cash flow prayers have been answered and we now have a "fool" proof plan to bribe the BCS voters and rig the computer results. All you have to do is send $1,000 to me, c/o Prince Ponzi. Sure buying a title takes the romance and intrigue out of it, but then again, so did sleeping with your wife before your wedding night. You’ll get over it just like she did.
So be a good Longhorn, make Bevo proud, and join BOB. Otherwise, to bring home UT’s second title in five years, you’re just going to have to count on the...
2009 Texas Longhorns
As always, this anti-preview guide assumes that you already know the names, playing weights, wind-aided 40 times and favorite Michael Jackson song for all 22 starters, the specialists and the water boy. So if you're looking for in-depth depth chart analyses, returning starter ratio theorems, position-by-position breakdowns, or step-by-step Moonwalk instructions, go pick up a copy of Athlon’s, Phil Seele’s, or the box set of Thriller. Because if you're reading this commentary in search of answers, I'm afraid all I have to offer you is more questions with the always unpopular...
Un-Scheduled Pop Quiz
1) (True or False) Louisiana-Monroe recently changed their mascot name to "Warhawks" because they have large talons and were bred for their skills in magic.
2) If you engage in flagrante delicto on Jonah Field in Laramie, Wyoming (Elevation: 7,220 Ft.), would you technically be joining the Mile High Club while scoring more often than the Cowboys do?
3) After losing several key starters from the 2008 squad and an off-season that included a well-publicized and contentious contractual dispute with Texas Tech AD Gerald Myers and imparting unsolicited social advice to the media on multiple occasions, will the 2009 chapter of Red Raiders' Head Coach Mike Leach's autobiography be titled: A Pirate Drinks A Forty, Mutiny Paid My Bounty, or Dating Tips From One-Eyed Silly.
4) When the UTEP running back carries the ball, can he be cited for a Miner In Possession?
5) Heralded Colorado running back Darrell Scott chose to sign with the Buffaloes over the Longhorns because:
A) His uncle plays for CU and he heard Coach Hawkins favors nepotism
B) Didn't trust Applewhitey
C) The cannabis is greener on the other side
D) "That John Denver's full of sh*t"
6) What will Oklahoma's Bob Stoops illegally text to recruits after this year’s Red River Shootout?
A) that was sooner tragic :-(
B) starting o-line spots now available
C) Check out OU’s Cash 4 Flunkers program sponsored by Big Red Motor Sports
D) is Barbershop 3 out yet
7) What will the Longhorns find when they invade Missouri on October 24 - Tigers Den or Petting Zou?
8) Billionaire OSU Alumnus T. Boone Pickens has been widely publicized for throwing millions of dollars behind Oklahoma State Athletics, Wind Power, and Cowboys’ Head Coach Mike Gundy’s Hair Gel to counter wind power. Which inadvisable investment will be most likely to give Boone an erection that lasts longer than four hours?
9) Interview Question: "Why can’t U.S. Americans locate places such as University of Central Florida on a map such as?"
10) Better pick-up line at the Baylor game: "I'll eat the apple if you'll talk to the snake" or "Is it hot in here or is your bush on fire?"
11) If the Kansas Jayhawks don't win the Big XII North Division, will Mark Mangino be The Biggest Loser or just be More To Love?
12) (Essay Question) Pretend your Texas A&M Head Coach Mike Sherman’s 9-year old daughter and give Aggies fans some advice for "getting over" last season’s difficult 4-8 record. Please remember to always use proper "slanguage."
OMG! What’s up home skillets? So like my dad Big Sherm was trying to act all wanksta after last season even though he was so totally bummed over losing all those games. And then yall went all Emo on him. You just need to chilax and get over it. It’s just a stupid football game. Seriously, there are more important things in life like the new Sketchers. Speaking of, like don’t fire my dad okay. He has to pay for braces for my grill cuz it’s all busted. Plus I could use some extra cheddar to buy some new rides at the mall. They cost like two pinkies. 'Kay, gotta go cuz DOS. Gig’em or whatever you freaks say.
Extra Credit: Many pundits and fans alike have noted the many similarities between the lead-up to the 2009 Texas football season and the Longhorns’ 2005 Championship Season. So are the Horns heading back to Pasadena? Do we need to make some space in the trophy case? Should Craig Way start warming up his vocal chords and pre-writing his victory call?
Well, for that capricious prognostication, we're going to have to turn it over to the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, and always uncensored...
Why do I get the feeling that coming up with this year’s team slogan was not exactly a high priority on Mack’s To Do list?
We Are Texas?
Mack blogged, "[The coaches] chose that slogan because we have moved forward on the Big 12 tiebreaker and the BCS. We aren't worrying about the system, we are just concerned about what we can control, and that's how we play."
Translation: "The BCS can kiss my asterisk. They didn’t fix jack sh*t and never will. But we’ll still show up and play cuz what the hell else do we have to do."
Though like his grip, I find his words surprisingly comforting, it doesn’t change the fact that I still wake up every morning with the knowledge that the only thing preventing the Longhorns from realizing the dream of another title shot last season was an egregious miscarriage of justice and it is eating me alive.
So with only hours to go before the start of the 2009 season and my conscience climbing the walls for a shot at retribution, I’m going to need a few more team themes and humbly submit the following...
Top 10 Slogans Slightly More Motivating Than "We Are Texas"
10) We Are Pissed
9) It Is What It Isn’t, Bitch
8) There’s No "I" In Hands Team Either (stay strong Gideon)
7) Nom-Nom-Nom Non-Con Cupcakes
6) Trick-Or-Tweet (whoops, that's from Top 10 slogans for Sergio)
5) Muschamp: The Prequel
4) Ain’t Trickin’ If You Guapin’ (seemed appropriate for the recession)
3) Win The Dust Bowl
2) Leave no room for Jell-O-U
And the #1 team slogan slightly more motivating than "We Are Texas," and my prediction for this year is...
1) Win Every Damn Game Damn It
Perhaps a little unrealistic, but we passed rational like it was standing still about 8 months back and I'm pretty sure we've all earned the right to do what we can do to take dead aim at the BCS and blow it off the face of the Earth. Amen.
In the final hours before the Longhorns kick-off the 2009 season, I will leave you with this very heartfelt and prescient parting thought...
"What’s the best piece of advice you ever got?
"You mean besides urinate before you masturbate?"
"Don’t mess with Texas."