clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

COPI and CPRI and a Lotta Snakes

Hot damn, I know what I want now.

I want some of that Comprehensive Offensive Philosophy Insurance, heavy on the collision, and plenty of towing, these sonofaguns run out of gas at the damnedest times and their propensity to go sideways puts them in the bar ditch ever so often.

I'd also need a binder as well, one to tie up Greg Davis and stick him in a closet right at game time, letting him watch four intensely entertaining hours of Greg Davis' Greatest Hits, every single one a bubble screen of the finest vintage. I'd have a little speaker positioned right about his left ear telling him the actual play that would have worked so much better in that particular situation. He'll love every second and won't even know the actual game has come and gone.

In the meanwhile, Major will have slipped into the booth and using a special voice synthesizer replicating the monotonous tones of GD, proceeds to unroll a game plan that was so clever and so predatory, OU Coach Bob Stoops actually offered to stop the game late in the third quarter when the score hit 70 zip. A forfeit would actually look better. Mack just told him, "F*ck you Bob, get used to it. I hate red."

It seemed a reasonable attitude at the time. Mack had never seen such marvelous efficiency in an offense and just didn't want to be distracted.

GD couldn't speak for three days. He went temporarily blind and couldn't tell anyone why, which was so ordinary no one noticed.

When I finished, the insurance agent seemed,,,a little edgy, so I put it to him, Do you have a policy like that? He said yes, then stammered that it wasn't available in Texas, that Lou Saban had bought out their whole coverage. Bama. Damn. Sonnnnnnofffffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaabitch.

Not wanting to face admit defeat, I immediately inquired about Comprehensive Power Running Insurance, and he said he only have enough coverage for one policy. He pulled out a thick folder and when he flopped it down on his desk, the name said Greg Davis. Sonofabitch. I should have known, damnit, I just should have known. That explains so much.

The insurance agent knew it was bad news for me - he always broke out in profit sweats when bad news occurred near him. He kept his head down as he thumbed quickly to the back page. A very surprised "Oh" slipped from his lips, and I cautiously asked What you got, son?  Like a rattler coiling up, he slowly lifted his head, and I felt a chill.

"Our client forgot to pay his premium by last Friday at 5 p.m. His policy has expired."   So, that's how it happened.

I just nodded my head and told him that I'd need the Power Train Warranty modified and strengthened, I wanted triple indemnity on the Tight Ends and specified there should be a special  messenger to be sent 24-hours before the policy was to expire and it would automatically renew if that messenger didn't find me personally. 

Calmly, I signed Major's name to it. I paid for the whole policy, and his sweaty little hands smeared the name on the receipt.

I felt like a free man, and a cold beer under a big shade tree sounded mighty damn good. Austin looked a little brighter.

I think things will be alright now.


hook 'em