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Texas vs OU: Frequently Asked Questions

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It's 3100 BC and OU still sucks.
It's 3100 BC and OU still sucks.

It's the best week of the year: Texas vs OU in the Cotton Bowl.  The Texas State Fair, corn dogs, football, carnies working the fair, carnies wearing crimson... It's all wonderful.  Even the 50% of it that's awful is wonderful.  After all, you can't have pretty without ugly.

For many of us, the Red River Shootout is a birthright, but there are always a number of questions about the big game. To help you out, I've put together a handy FAQ for your reference, touching on the rivalry overall, as well as a bit on this year's Oklahoma team.  These are all facts, verifiable on Wikipedia. Maybe.

Q:  What is the all-time series record between Texas and Oklahoma?

A:  The 2011 game will be the 106th meeting in the rivalry.  The Allies lead the series over the Axis 59-41-5.

Q:  Um, didn't Hank Williams Jr. just get cut from Monday Night Football for comparing the President to Hitler? Should we refrain from making comparisons between Oklahoma and genocidaires?

A:  We were as surprised as you were that Hank Williams Jr. didn't know that Hitler was reborn in the body of Bob Stoops. 

Q:  Speaking of Bob Stoops, does he have a chin?

A:  He does not.  The Oklahoma head coach sold his chin to the devil for the 2000 national championship. The devil told him he could only get it back when he won a BCS Bowl Game on his own.  And that UConn doesn't count.

Q:  I heard that every time the Sooners score a touchdown, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon, and is forced to tearfully beg the demon to cauterize the wounds. The demon will refuse, and the sobbing angel will lie in a puddle of angel blood and feathers for eternity, wondering why the Sooners are allowed to score touchdowns.  Is that true?

A:  Yes.

Q:  Why do Sooners throw the Horns down all the time, even when they aren't playing Texas?

A:  That's a good question, and one that we don't have a good answer for. We posed the question to a few Sooner fans and they provided us with a video response.

Q:  Can I have those three minutes of my life back?

A:  I'm really sorry, but no.

Q:  Is it true that Oklahoma fans can't read?

A:  This is one of those urban legends that's gotten a bit overblown over the years. In truth, an estimated 15-20% of Sooner fans are literate.

Q:  Should we give the state of Oklahoma back to the Native Americans?

A:  Setting aside that it would certainly be the fair thing to do, the rest of us are subsidizing Oklahoma with our tax dollars anyway.  Kind of a win-win, isn't it?

Q:  What is that horrible pony-drawn thing that tears around the Cotton Bowl?

A:  Sooners sometimes refer to it as the Sooner Schooner, but it's official name is the Cheat Wagon. 

Q:  Last but not least, which is more pathetic: a Sooner or an Aggie?

A:  An Aggie.

Q:  Wow, really?

A:  Really.

Q:  Okay, so this year's team: how good is Landry Jones?

A:  Kind of good?  His overall numbers are gaudy, but against the five ranked teams he's faced over the past year he has 10 TDs against 9 INTs.

Q:  Last year, I could have sworn the carnie running the ring toss was Landry Jones. Could that be right?

A:  Common mistake.  Everyone from the state looks like Landry Jones.  Which is to say, a carnie.

Q:  How good is Ryan Broyles?

A:  Fucking good.

Q:  Is it me, or is Brent Venables kind of a dolt?

A:  It's not you.

Q:  Will Travis Lewis ever not be the starting middle linebacker for OU?

A:  I miss Ryan Reynolds, too.

Q:  Can the Sooners actually rush the ball this year?

A:  They ran the ball well against Tulsa and Ball State, but struggled with Florida State (2.9 ypc) and to a lesser extent Missouri (3.7 ypc).

Q:  Any other Sooner names I should know for this year's game?

A:  DE Ronnell Lewis is a terror on the edge, WR Kenny Stills is big and a damn tough cover in the end zone, and DB/LB Tony Jefferson plays the game fast as hell.

Hook 'em.  And OU sucks...