What is it with guys and bad relationship analogies? I guess if you sat around talking to yourself all day, it would be hard to find a date.

Dear Texas A&M,

We’ve been together a long time, haven’t we? Ever since 1894, when we first got together and I beat you handily 38-0, you’ve had a bit of a chip on your shoulder about me. I always thought your feelings of inadequacy towards me were so adorable that I put up with it, rolling my eyes at your antics as I focused on -great evil coming from the north-my true love rival, the bad, bad boys up north.

Sure, we’ve had some good times. You’ve provided me some great entertainment over the years. My life has been enriched by the hilarious jokes people tell about you (did you hear the one about when your dog drowned after you drove into a lake because you couldn’t get the tailgate down?). You are so chivalrous, defending your holy ground against an evil cheerleader.  Your principled adherence to traditions, like having guys like this represent you when most schools go more in this direction, is admirable by some people. On the other hand, you aren’t afraid of flaunting your somewhat unorthodox sexuality, team bonding and extremely happy male students. So you’re maybe a little too fond of nut-squeezing. Don’t let the world tell you it’s wrong if that’s what makes you happy.  I’ve stuck by you as you’ve made questionable decisions, just plain stupid choices, gotten yourself into compromising situations, but I can't take it anymore. You still need to learn the basic rules of English grammar and spelling, and I’d prefer you didn’t run my country,  but you’ve mostly been harmless through the years.

But lately, it’s gotten to be a bit much. I understand it’s hard for you when I’m making money and getting attention and beating you two out of three times and winning more national championships than you (that one time back in 1939 was impressive though! It really was! Ignore those Trojan naysayers who want to take your one year of glory from you!). It takes someone really secure to not let your partner’s successes hurt your self-esteem. I was a little surprised to find out you are so insecure about this relationship, because if anything you always seemed to suffer from too much self-esteem! Now I find out you’re flirting with rednecks who you think will make you look better in comparison? It’s fine with me, although I hear they cheat and might even beat you up more than I have. You are honest and you don't want to stoop to their...Oh, wait. Just don’t expect to come running back to me for an annual Thanksgiving booty call. I have more class than that. Basically, what I’m saying is we should see other people. Exclusively. It’s not you, it’s me (okay, that’s a lie – it’s totally you). And what the hell is up with the (video-NSFW) sheep fetish anyway?

Yours no longer,
Texas

Composed by LonghornEm, with encouragement from dimecoverage.