clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Dalton Santos Is At Texas. He Brought Hell With Him. And McConaughey.

Hell Boy Dalton Santos
Hell Boy Dalton Santos

"I'm coming to Texas and I'm bringing hell with me."

-- Dalton Santos, Texas Gang or Die (class of 2012)

Just call him Hellboy.

In late May, Austin residents may have noticed a slight change around town. A feel of impending doom, perhaps. The presence of evil. A disturbance in the flow of consciousness in the state's capital that normally reflects the good vibes, good will, and benevolence of the fine citizens of this fine town.

Just call him Hellboy.

Something happened in late May -- 2012 Texas signee Dalton Santos showed up on campus; the "lovable maniac" from Van, Texas who switched his commitment to the Longhorns only hours before Signing Day. He brought hell with him.

Those words his own, as told to ESPN Horns Nation ($).

Just call him Hellboy.

No wonder the disturbance in the force. It's not easy to pack the entirety of hell into the trunk of a Firebird Trans Am and make the roughly four-hour drive from Van, Texas (population 2,600, minus hell). Even the Bad Man From Van needed some assistance with that wrangling effort. Who better for it than the celebrity face of Texas football (for better or worse), Matthew McConaughey?

No one. Come on now. That was an easy one. This was a bro's job and McConaughey is a bro's bro. Bro. Dalton earned a bruh by Corsicana for his efforts in keeping hell in that trunk. It was his proudest moment. Other than that time he cold knocked-out that Palestine quarterback:

He (the QB from Palestine) pump faked, pulled it, ran towards the sideline and I smoked him right up under the chin. Man, I remember standing above him and looking down. He got up, he looked me right in the eyes and I swear his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He just fell backwards and he was out. At that point, I knew it was over.

Over, indeed.

Hell and Dalton Santos had a date that night. He impressed. The quarterback from Palestine doesn't remember much, but when he recalls that time period of his life, he gets chills, shivers, and tries to shake off the overwhelming feeling that an evil spirit possessed him that night. His instincts are correct. It's a spirit Wooderson collected back in the day. A real evil one. Passed on.

See, McConaughey approves of the effort, bruh. He's exultant, double hook 'ems in the air. Dalton "Roadhouse" Santos made it to Austin after the two of them wrastled all of hell into the trunk of that classic Firebird. Yeah, that's a '76 Firebird with the ChickenHawk on the hood. The ChickenHawk helps keep those evil spirits contained in that trunk. Mucho powerful, that ChickenHawk.

Santos brought hell, and he also brought that Vandal spirit. Yeah, he's a vandal. A Van Vandal. That Palestine quarterback? Vandalized.

Like that Rhubarb festival. Scipio heard that story. Santos was really possessed that night.


Another police cruiser, y'all.

There are dangers afoot for Texas opponents this fall, too. Santos has intentions befitting his hazardous cargo:

When I was young my dad said linebackers are half stupid and crazy. You've got to be half crazy out there but have enough sense to know what you're doing, and then you've gotta not care and throw your body on the line and knock somebody smooth out.

More than half crazy.

But just smooth out. Like some type of violent sleep dance -- accelerate, come under control, sink the hips, explode, bring the feet, rotate the opponent around their fulcrum with the wrap-up, finish with the core. Smoked. Right up under the chin. Smooth knocked out. Like that Palestine quarterback.

The knowledge that it's over. On the ground? No knowledge at all.

That's how Hellboy rolls. He did bring hell with him, after all.

And homeboy, there on the ground -- he was the latter part of Texas Gang or Die.

The dude yelling his lungs out, with the double hook 'ems in the air? McConaughey, of course. Bro cheers bro. Bro.