clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

That one guy in your section who won't shut up's UT Fan Experience Survey response

New, 26 comments

A FAN EXPERIENCE SURVEY NOW?!?! REALLY!?!?! COME ON, PATTERSON! GOD!

Our guy at last year's TCU game.
Our guy at last year's TCU game.
Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

[Some of you may have gotten something similar to this recently. We all know "that guy" would have something to say. -Horn Brain]

What's your ticket-holder status? I did not pay GOOD MONEY to watch these players QUIT! My wife's name is on the tickets for tax purposes.

What's your age, gender, etc. Age: 48. Gender: WHITE MALE. 40 time: FASTER THAN MALCOLM BROWN, I BET. Vertical: I could touch the rim in high school. Shirt size: XL except from Wal-Mart, then just L. COORS LIGHT, CHEVY, COWBOYS.

How far do you live from stadium? I live in Dallas. I don't know how far that is but I bet BYU HAS MORE RUSHING YARDS THAN THAT! WHAT DO YOU THINK, CHARLIE?!?!?

Annual income? I'd rather not put anything like that down on paper, see question #1.

Do you use your season tickets for personal and/or business purposes? I'm just here to WAKE PEOPLE UP! And what's with the financial stuff, MOVE ON, PATTER$ON!

What statement best describes your relationship with UT? Juuuuust f***ing great, Watson! [Beat. Aside: WELL DON'T BRING YOUR KID TO THE GAME, THEN, IDIOT!]

How many home football games have you attended so far this season? THIS ISN'T A GAME IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT!

With how many other people do you typically attend UTFB games? 102,302?!? MORE LIKE 30,000, PATTER$ON! YOU LIAR!

How important are each of the following in determining whether you will attend a specific game:

1.      Start Time: I guess pretty important because I definitely show up UNLIKE OUR DEFENSE, BEDFORD!

2.      On Field Performance to Date: YOU CALL THAT A PERFORMANCE!??!

3.      Availability of friends/family to join me: What difference does it make? My wife always gets "tired" before half time anyway and the kids don't PAY ATTENTION TO THE FIELD!

4.      Significance of games to standings: ALAMO BOWL HERE WE COME!

5.      Opponent: You mean COACHING!??!

6.      Whether the game features a promotion: I'd give my LEFT NUT if they'd promote HEARDS TO START AT QB!

What type of seating does your package have? Yeah, THAT'S what we'll call this offense: The SEATING package! BECAUSE IT SUCKS, WATSON!

Including this year, for how many consecutive years have you been a season ticket holder?How many years have we SUCKED?

How well does being a UTFB ticket package holder this year compare with the ideal ticket package holder experience? Oh that's funny, like Strong has ANY IDEAL how to get a team READY TO PLAY!

Overall, how satisfied are your with your UTFB ticket package holder experience this year?NOT AT ALL! I wanted to sit nearer to MIDFIELD but they wouldn't move me any closer to the bench PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY KNOW I'M HONEST!

To what extent has being a UTFB ticket package holder this year met your expectations? Well the offense has been TOTALLY EXPECTABLE, WATSON! JESUS CHRIST! IT'S LIKE WE AREN'T EVEN TRYING!

How likely are you to recommend purchasing a similar UTFB ticket package to a friend or colleague? N/A, all my "friends and colleagues" are IDIOTS!

If today were the deadline to renew your UTFB ticket package for next season, how likely would you be to renew? I would probably renew just so I don't lose my spot. BUT NEXT YEAR, GODDAMMIT...

How important do you consider each of the following aspects:

1.      Ability to sell tix on secondary mar- I'm just going to cut you off here. ALL THAT MATTERS is RUNNING THE DAMN BALL. EVERY YEAR I been saying this and NO ONE GETS IT. EVERY YEAR we line up the same EXPECTABLE GARBAGE. New coach, SAME PROBLEMS. We got a bunch of IDIOTS running this program. We SHOULD have listened to McCOMBS and brought in GRUDEN, not CHARLIE BROW- uh- STRONG! We got the WRONG CHUCKIE! WROOOOOOOOONG CHUCKIE! WROOOOOOONG CHUCKIE! WROOOOOOOOONG CHUCKIE!

How satisfied are you with- With who? With the WROOOOOOOONG CHUCKIE? Any IDIOT can see he DOESN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! WROOOOONG CHUCKIE! YOU HEAR ME, STRONG? WROOOOOONG CHUCKIE!

Who would you contact first with question/issue regarding ticket package? I found PATTER$ON'$ EMAIL on hornsfans, so probably him!

What is the one thing UT could do to provide the optimal experience? FINALLY you ask ME! Well I'll tell you what I WOULDN'T DO and that's whatever the WROOOOOOOOOONG CHUCKIE wants. I'd put HEARDS in at QB, and only use "OOPES" for WILDCAT ON THE GOALLINE because he isn't a natural quarterback but he does have speed. I'd finally take ESPINOSA out at center because he has ALWAYS SUCKED and put in RAULERSON, that kid LOVES HIS TEAM and THAT'S WHAT WE NEED! I'd stop throwing SCREENS and RUNNING OUT OF THE DAMN SHOTGUN. All that GREG DAVIS CRAP has to go! We'd only ever throw it DEEP or maybe sometimes a slant if they blitz us. I'd tell that O-line to NUT UP and BLOCK SOMEBODY. I'd tell the WHOLE DEFENSE the SAME THING. I've NEVER seen ANYTHING LIKE THIS! I'd tell them to WRAP UP and go try and HURT SOMEBODY. For GOD'S SAKES you're a LINEBACKER not a... a... WHINEbacker! And no more ZONE. If you can't PLAY MAN, you AIN'T ONE! I wouldn't accept giving up a SINGLE YARD. I'd make EVERY PLAYER run a lap for EVERY YARD they give up as a team. You BET YOUR ASS they won't give up a damn FIRST DOWN ALL YEAR, you WATCH! And if THAT didn't work, next game I'd make them run TWO LAPS!

Please indicate what types of live events you attended in the last year: I saw Pete Frampton at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, and he had this band open for him... [Aside: What was that band named, honey? The one at FRAMPTON, WHO ELSE?. Yes you do, THINK! Oh JESUS CHRIST!] I can't think of it right now but I tell you what they rocked HARDER THAN HE DID. Frampton ought to be ASHAMED of getting SHOWED UP at his OWN SHOW. I asked for my MONEY BACK at the will call but they were CLOSED already because they KNEW they'd have a RIOT ON THEIR HANDS with that CRAP they put on stage. Anyway, I went and gave the place a ONE STAR Yelp review and told them they'd LOST MY BUSINESS! Why do you ask?

Don't be that guy, 'Horns fans.