Six steps to peeing like a champion today

So, you want to pee a like a champion today?

Glad to you hear it, maggot.

Hydration is important, especially for people like us who have to survive in battle — it combats fatigue, reduces high blood pressure, halts allergies and asthma, eliminates digestive disorders, flushes out unwanted bacteria, speeds up joint and cartilage repair, stops unwanted weight gain, and slows the aging process.

To be a champion, that means you have to pee like a champion, and that means staying hydrated.

Meet your new best friend

“Gallon-water-bottle-man’s Creed”

This is my gallon water bottle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My gallon water bottle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

Without me, my gallon water bottle is useless. Without my gallon water bottle, I am useless. I must use my gallon water bottle true. I must pee mellower than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must out-pee him before he out-pees me. I will...

My gallon water bottle and I know that what counts in war is not the urine we fire, the spray from our burst, nor the sighs we make of relief. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My gallon water bottle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its cap. I will keep my gallon water bottle clean and full, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My gallon water bottle and I are the defenders of our university. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory belongs to Texas and there is no Oklahoma, but only piles of crystal footballs!

Meet your enemies

You might know them as caffeine and alcohol — diuretics, even — but around here we call them Charlie. Consorting with them is the same as being the enemy himself.

You might think you can hide out and keep yourself championship quality by kicking it with Charlie, but guess what? If you don’t have your best friend with you, you’re going to lose.

And you’ll be dead.

Accountability

Without your gallon water bottle, you are useless. Therefore, you will do 10 up-downs every time you are found without your water bottle. Accountability extends to the individual, so when you’re alone and remember that your gallon water bottle isn’t close by?

Ten up-downs.

OTHERWISE YOU’RE A BAD GUY. YOU’RE DEAD, MAGGOT.

Accountabilibuddy

It’s human nature to do the easy thing. It’s human nature to fail. That’s why you need an accountabilibuddy.

You are as important to your accountabilibuddy as your accountabilibuddy is to you.

Do whatever it takes to make sure that they do their 10 up-downs if you catch them without their gallon water bottle. Whatever. It. Takes.

Without it, they are useless. Without it, you are useless.

Take the test

Print out your downloadable hydration chart. Put it in every bathroom you use. Use it every time you pee. And don’t forget to have keep your gallon water bottle in your other hand.

Don’t dilute

Toilers will give diluted results. Use a small, clear cup, or your old double shot glass that you no longer need. Small sample cups allow accurate measurement against the hydration chart.

Pee like a champion today!