Sorry, we’re not sorry for writing that Oklahoma sucks (because it still sucks)

On Oct. 4, Burnt Orange Nation published a column that depicted Oklahoma as one of the most miserable places on the planet, and used terms such as “sucks” to describe the Oklahoma Sooners football program.

In the days that followed, leading up to the Red River Showdown, it became evident that this article upset many Sooners fans and Oklahoma residents. In his column, the writer, who has since been relieved of his duties, was tasteless, rude, and completely disrespectful.

While Burnt Orange Nation appreciates the animosity and nasty history between two rival schools such as Texas and Oklahoma, there are limits, and on Oct. 4, the writer crossed the line in his column “Yes, Oklahoma does, in fact, suck.”

BON would like to offer the sincerest apology to anyone who read the article and had his/her feelings hurt.

LOL jk.

Allow me to take a moment of your time to congratulate myself. I hope you’ll stick around long enough to read this nauseating pat on the back that I deserve. And you owe it to yourself to be so informed.

In October, as you may recall, Oklahoma had a 73-percent win probability against Texas, according to ESPN’s Football Power Index, or FPI.

In October, as you may recall, I said Oklahoma sucks, and I meant it.

In October, as you may recall, Texas rag-dolled the Sooners for 53 minutes. Now, as you may recall, the Longhorns intentionally allowed Oklahoma to come back from a 45-24 deficit to tie the game. This, of course, was done to give Oklahoma and its fans false hope. The game plan, all along, was to allow the Sooners to think they didn’t suck only to confirm they do actually suck with Cameron Dicker’s game-winning field goal with nine seconds remaining.

Before I continue my sermon, I’d like to address one more thing.

When I wrote my Pulitzer-caliber column back in October, many people — especially in Oklahoma — thought it was a lazy, dumb, childish, and stupid article. I actually thought it was a lazy, fun, childish, and thought-provoking article. But the truth is, it hurt a lot of feelings. I mean a lot of feelings.

I mean, some of the people in my mentions on Twitter and in the comments section below the article were mad. Big mad. I realize most people in Oklahoma are super sensitive, what with Kevin Durant getting tired of looking at Oklahoma City’s one building and realizing there’s so much more in life than wasting away in the “This is our land now” state. I realize how the timing of my beautifully-crafted column likely awakened some demons for those folks. “Ah, first Kevin Durant leaves us, now he writes this piece revealing the truth about Oklahoma?!” they likely thought to themselves.

I even had a radio station from somewhere in the wastelands of Oklahoma invite me on in a poorly-executed attempt to make me look silly. As if I didn’t know I was being ambushed. It was fun. At least I had fun. I never could tell if the hosts were as mad as all of the fans in my mentions and in the comments section, or if they were just being as playful as I was in response to my incredibly-written column that sparked the days-long whirlwind of debate and arguing.

In the end, what seemed lost on everyone was the fact that this is a two-way street. If an Oklahoma-based website had half the wit and talent on display on this website on a daily basis, that website would have published a similar article. Furthermore, every Oklahoma fan who came after me 280 characters at a time, in addition to all the tough guys in the comments, would have gloated the same way. It is actually absolutely ridiculous to think that Oklahoma fans wouldn’t have served the same spice to me on a rusted platter had Oklahoma won the Red River Showdown.

Which brings us to this week.

We have ventured into uncharted territory, folks. Texas and Oklahoma, again? Twice in one season? Not since the Wright brothers invented the first gas motored and manned airplane have these two schools double-dipped in the hatred.

If you’re thinking I’m here to dog the Sooners and write another snark piece, well, you’re finally catching on.

Look, here’s the truth about this Saturday’s matchup, Oklahoma and Texas are two completely different teams than they were in October.

One school has a win in the Red River Showdown. One does not. But on a serious note, this Oklahoma team has made drastic changes, including firing its defensive coordinator Mike Stoops.

Yes, that’s right. When Texas and OU met in October, the 48 points scored by the Longhorns was the first time all season the Sooners gave up a 40-burger. After the changes made to the coaching staff, Oklahoma has allowed 40 or more points in four straight contests, including 40 points to Kansas.

Luckily, for OU, Kyler Murray is an explosive talent that deserves to be in the Heisman conversation.

I will not give any more credit to the quarterback who chose Texas A&M over Texas, but then quit on Texas A&M when he realized it wasn’t Texas, but then was too proud to transfer to Texas after not choosing Texas, so he chose Oklahoma because of course, and deep down wishes all along he would have just chosen Texas instead of putting himself through all of this, which eventually led him to hating the game of football, which brought him to choosing to play pro baseball instead of going to the NFL.

But I digress.

This Saturday’s contest is going to be unlike anything we have ever seen. Texas and Oklahoma, at Jerry World. Of course, Texas winning won’t be unlike anything we have ever seen because we just saw it in October, which was actually the 62nd time we’ve seen that, which is 16 more times than we have seen Oklahoma win.

What I am looking forward to the most are the big position match ups. For example, in October, Lil’Jordan Humphrey — more commonly known by Sooners fans as ‘Dad’ — caught nine passes for 133 yards a touchdown. Not only did Humphrey torch the entire Oklahoma secondary, he also out-dueled Kyler Murray at quarterback, completing 100 percent of his passes. Humphrey’s 97.3 QB rating bested Murray’s lousy 93.2 rating.

I mean, what can this guy not do?

Another one of these head-to-head battles within the battle is Tom Herman vs. Lincoln Riley. Two great offensive minds. If Herman can lead the Longhorns to victory on Saturday, he will be 2-1 against Riley, and will remain undefeated against Zach Smith. By the way, what a delicious moment on Saturday when every Ohio State fan alive has to root for Tom Herman and the Texas Longhorns for the Buckeyes’ College Football Playoff hopes.

At first, I wanted to see Texas get a second crack at West Virginia. Losing to the Mountaineers on a two-point conversion with less than 20 seconds remaining was brutal. But after I thought about it some more, letting Oklahoma back into that game in October was dumb.

Therefore, I want to see Texas treat the Sooners like a punching bag for the second time this season. But this time I hope the Longhorns keep the multiple-score lead they hang on OU.

Per the wishes of Oklahoma linebacker Curtis “Michael” Bolton, Texas will indeed have fun playing Kyler this week. By the way, when I saw that video of Bolton in the OU weight room chiming in on Breckyn Hager’s comments about the Sooners’ defense, I thought it was the kid from “Stranger Things.”

Listen, this isn’t a matter of me thinking Texas will win 31-10. It might. In fact, it probably could. But the reality is OU is going to score, too. So, I’m thinking more like 49-31, or something embarrassing like that.

When it’s all said and done, all we really have is college football. No family member or friend means as much as college football. This is not an opinion, it’s literally been studied by smart people. And no matter which side of the Red River you stand on — the boring side north of the river, or the awesome side to the south of the river — we all just need to appreciate how this has worked out. Texas and Oklahoma, twice in one season.

That’s two Longhorns wins. One for a Golden Hat, the other for the Big 12 Championship and a year supply of Sooner tears. I can’t wait to be right. Again.