(WARNING: This post offers nothing in the way of statistical analysis, recruiting speculation or tutelage gleaned from a large, tobacco using informant. Please know that I intend to put you in humor's way, possibly even make you tinkle a little, and that you will probably be dumber for having read this...but at least it won't give you Low T, No T or Ankylosing Spondylitis. You're welcome.)
What's up BONers?
Apologies, it's been too long since I last wasted your time with veritable bon mots of a frank and prurient nature. What can I tell you other than I've been busy trying to figure if what I started at UT changed the world. So far, no change. But that's okay, I think they just meant it in the Biblical sense and therefore, change will happen on Bill Powers' time, not my time. Until then, how about a worthless commentary? You betcha.
For the un-inebriated, my name's 54b. You may remember me from such educational films as Entitlement - Charlie Don't Play That and Moneyballs - Steve Patterson's Got A Pair.
Indeed, I like to think I give the lay-fan everything he or she didn't need to know about Longhorns football on strictly a you needn't know basis or, based on my latest posting track record, just when I manage to sober up long enough to remember my password. I think it's "Putin," same as my safety word.
Moving on. BYU 41, TX 7. Same song, different verse, a little bit louder and a whole sh*t load worse. Not going to spin this with throw-pillow commentary about admirable efforts by the defense in the first half or moral victories for the skeleton crew offense. Check out the meanderings of the Sunday Morning Optimist for that schtick. It's quality stuff and a hell of lot more uplifting than Meet The Press. No, what I'm more about is the overall experience and messing with your minds. Let's talk to all those hurt little Longhorns fans deep down inside you hidden away in places we don't like to talk about at parties and see if we can't let the healing begin by working through a little segment I like to call the...
TEN STAGES OF GRIEF (AFTER A LONGHORNS LOSS)
Shock - I think we knew Taysom Hill had gone on a Mission Trip prior to attending BYU. But instead of building latrines in exchange for salvation in Guatemala, he apparently went to the North Pole to oversee the erection of his Fortress of Solitude. Who knew?
Expression of Emotion - I'd cry but I don't want to tease the Edward's Aquifer.
Depression - "I feel like the Longhorns are on the island of misfit players and nobody wants to play with a Charlie-with-9-in-the-Box."
Physical Symptoms of Distress - My wife encouraged our 3-year old daughter to give me a "check-up" since Daddy wasn't "feeling well" Sunday morning. Thought it was a sweet gesture until my little girl pulled out and proceeded to put on a plastic glove from her Doc McStuffin's doctor's bag. Disney, you sick #&$!
Panic - Just think if BYU joins the Big 12. They'll not only beat us every year, they'll change the name of the conference to the "Big Love."
Guilt - This is all my fault. Yep, it's payback for that time I asked a really hot Mormon girl out in college by saying, "look, I wear magic underwear too." She replied, "but you're not wearing any underwear." And I said, "Presto!"
Anger - Dear Suspended Longhorns Starters, I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with the poor choices you.....NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, #$%^ THAT NOISE, I AM PISSED OFF AT YOU. WTF? IT'S REAL SIMPLE: GO TO CLASS. DON'T STEAL, DON'T RAY RICE. AND DON'T DO DRUGS. FOR GOD SAKES, YOU GET TO PLAY FOOTBALL FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS! What's worse? You didn't just let yourselves down, not to mention jeopardizing a college education and a chance of any kind of real future, you let your teammates down. You hung them out to dry. You think maybe your friend Swoopes might like a little protection up front and a homerun threat? Ya think. And you especially let down the seniors who are quickly running out of time to make memories that are going to have to last you all for the REST OF YOUR LIVES! Get with the Program or GTFO!
Resistance - I don't care if the Jones' are giving away Morning After Pill Pez Dispensers at the Texas-UCLA game this weekend, I wouldn't go to Jerry World if you paid me.
Hope - Hmmm, feels like deja vu all over again - Ash out with concussion, demoralizing loss to the Mormons, unproven QB at the helm - does that mean we'll beat OU again? Call my bookie and tell him to parlay my Cowboys Super Bowl bet with Texas to cover against OU.
Acceptance - It's times like these that I rely on that most valuable and sagest of advice, that being, "it is what it is and we are who we thought we were." (Hat tip, Parcels.) Surely nobody said this was going to be a Nick Rose hair garden getting all the way back to the Rose Bowl. Interestingly enough, Mack Brown started 1-2 at Texas, lost his senior quarterback early on and took his chances with an unproven signal caller. I'd say that worked out pretty well. Of course he also had a Heisman Trophy winning running back, but that's just details, right?
Strong can get this turned around and if he can't, well, there's always the 2006 Rose Bowl replay on LHN. Seriously, it's always on. That and Women's Soccer. And hey, if Lowell Galindo can survive getting kicked out of the Jonas Brothers to get the best jock-sniffing anchor job in sports, then we can survive this latest catastrophic loss, too.
Okay, let's dispense with the eulogies and get busy scoring. It's time once again for the always unbiased, unabated, unabridged, unethical, uneducated, uncensored and of course, back by unpopular demand...
As my good friend Clayo inquired, do you really want to pay a hundy to go watch Hundley hang half a hundy on the Horns? Alliteration aside, yes I do. Call me crazy, ill or Kim Jong-il, but I think UT is going to rise from the Ashes (with great candor, all the best to David during a very tough and scary time) and Swoopes down and take this one. (Gritting teeth, talking out of side of mouth..."I also don't think UCLA is that good.") Plus, word on the street where I hang out with my bad self is that tickets are going for 75% off. That's good ROI even if you forget to carry one.
TEXAS - 22
BRUINS IN RUINS - 19
Now do you feel better? Yeah, neither do I. And adding insult to sobriety, beers at Jerry World are like $12. It's so expensive the vendors actually slap you in the face when you place your order. Good times. And as always...